Sunday, July 10, 2016

These Elements

I have long felt the draw of water. I have felt its power drawing me to this abyss and these unseen depths. I have felt that pull to these murky renditions of things I can only sense at. I have simply called it a fear of drowning and I did indeed gulp in water when I was very young and unable to swim. But this is more. This is a response viscerally to the power of this element. Reflections and refractions. Images and haunting swirls and colors. Hints of another realm. I feel this emotional response to be so much more now. I feel that water is my spirit in physical form. I am water and water is myself. I am full of her and she fills me. We push and pull at each other and call and hearken by turns. She is mercurial and I am moody. My emotions are stirred and tears slip down my dry and cracked cheeks. She is more than me and then I am full of her, words growing inadequate in the cup that runs over and over and spills inside of me.

And I wondered at the power earth when she remains so unmoving. And I never really understood her to be so powerful until that drive thru the mountains and along those winding roads. And then I knew as I felt so small among so many tall and standing rocks. They were power to make me feel so very minute. And I raised my eyes up and up and up. And finally to rest on those craggy tops. And I knew. I knew the power of earth with its grandness and its strength. And I have always felt strength after driving or hiking thru the mountains and now I understand why. And I cut my dirt encrusted finger on a stone, the bloody mark of red on brown and becoming brown and becoming earth. I raise my being and eventually my arms and I feel as tall as I can next to the power of earth and she somehow becomes me. I press myself against a rocky face and I am camouflaged beside this standing stone. My blood surges and stands still for one brief moment. And I am this tall rock and this craggy visage to watch all and grow wise. Strength is standing without moving.

The element of air has befuddled and emboldened me with his whipping and pulling at my hair I am at once outraged and strengthened. . I feel this anger in being unable to think. My thoughts are torn away in a strong and frustrating gust. Now a gentle breeze brings a deep smile to my face and some tiny thought of intuitive knowing. I have yielded as if to a lovers kiss and I feel a deep response in my soul, yielding and bending. And yet again, a cold chill comes over me with the push of winter's breath. And I see my lips blue and cold and my own being frozen amongst the chilled drifts created in those raucous moments of blowing and forcing. Spirals and drafts and currents take my mind on a wild ride, a mental roller coaster of sorts, and I am powerless at times to stop my spirit from arcing and bending and taking flight whether it be of a violent nature or something more floating. These things come together now for me to represent this element of air that I so often have misunderstood. I feel as tho I will harness it now to be as I need or even allow myself to be controlled to experience the truest and most organic freedom of flight.

Blazing fiery sun and soft candle flame. Roaring pot bellied stove and crackling campfire. Raging forest fire and tiny sparklers held by my little son's soft hand. Long have my spirits lifted in the face of these representations. Fire warms and fire heartens and fire sparks inside of me. Fire has always lifted my spirits. Fire is my spirit. Unlike most, I can find meaning in a cloudy day and I defy saying I need the sun more when asked. But in truth I need it as much and maybe more than those that complain about the May weeks which hold very little sunshine. My fiery nature comes alive on the days the sunlight streams and dances thru green and swirling leaves. I feel him fill my being with intensity and meaning. I watch the sun make its steady path across my kitchen floor with almost mesmerized wonder. I am drawn as a cat to the rays that fill more than just my body with warmth. I begin to glow as I fill with his being and I feel it deep in my soul and find old bits of darkness loosening their steady hold. O yellow warmth and everything glowing golden, I lift my arms to you and feel this fire deep in my soul, sparking and igniting. I am one with the golden hue.

Soft whispers, violent portendings, arching and aching and responding -These elements speak so clearly to me. I believe they always have and I remember being a child in the heart of nature and finding nothing dark at all within me. All these bits of myself drawn and sewn together in the strength and the raw power so very evident as I walk with mother earth. My feet feel the damp soil and the sharp rock. My hair catches in the breezes and shivers tremble down my spine. I watch a river racing and then running back on itself and I feel the whispers of death and life and the ability to take me whole and never return. Destruction and creation joined as one. I raise my hands to the sun and whisper his name so delicately on my lips. I take flight and my feet touch the loamy darkness. Water runs in rivulets down my spine and over my breasts creating the only dress I need. I am wise in these moments and I am connected to something so much greater than I AM..

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