Sunday, July 3, 2016


Those claw footed beasts reach so deep into the travailing water. There's a grand foot placed at each bend in the road. I look up and up their craggy legs and I am stunned by the strength of so much power in rippled stone and rock face. I feel this power drawing and drawing. I know why gravity pulls. I know now why the element of earth is so distinct and so present and all powerful. And I long to press my body against those stone faces and against that smooth rock wall. I long to stretch myself thin over that surface and be drawn into it and become one with it. I cannot be me but rather I would become one. I am all and I am we. Me is we turned on its head. We are meant to be we more than me is meant to be. And that craggy leg calls to me in power and authority and I am awed by its presence.

Slowly I draw my eyes away. Now this rough barked tree and now this rocky outcropping. I am so touched by the power of earth today. And then I realize all the elements blend together in one cohesive tangible and poignant moment. Sun burning fire thru the trees - ahhh the sun. I am so much more aware of him since I have drawn him into myself. I am less afraid of his power now that I feel his warmth. This warmth that makes me grow and turn and evolve and keeps me living. And I feel the earth below and around and I touch that dirt that stains my fingers. And I feel the air rush thru my hair and I feel like I can fly. I reach my arms wide and side to side. And I step so lightly and I feel like I can just push off but then I become aware of my body. Just enough earth to moor me and I curse this human form once more. I don't want to be bound by this cage and this shell and this temple. I feel my spirit arcing in defiance. One more rising and one more attempt but that is futile for the time being.

But I can pretend and so I do. I spread my arms wide and tiptoe down this narrow path. I feel the air and the earth and the sun. I feel the water of blood rushing thru my veins. My entire being is at once a river with deltas and rivulets and rushing streams and raging torrents. And I feel this water that is more my essence than any other. I am always more aware of my water than of my fire. And still my heart beats with that element of sun and shine. And I am alive - so very alive. I am all the elements and they are me. And I am at one with nature. I hear this bird chirp and it is my mind and my soul in song. And I hear this crunch of dirt and gravel and I am playing this intricate rhythmic patter. I am all and I am nothing. I am earth and I am dust but I can move and live and have being in this frail moment. I am so high. And I am so low. I am everything and i am nothing right now.

I am so many swirling words. That element of air and swords and cutting and flying. I hear them - o so many as to drown me. Is it possible to drown from air. Or can air be weighty and unwieldy enough to crush the very life of me? And I feel crushed under the power of so much that can't be released in this moment. I could scream and nothing would come out. I could chant and my feet wouldn't move and my face would be unreadable. I could hear the flow of my bloody rivers and know nothing but their rush and their torrent and their sound. And I could lay flat and blend with the earth but for these stubborn things that won't let me rest.

I am undone. And I am overcome. And I am overwhelmed in the face of more and the being of more and the chant of more and more and more and more. And there is no rest from more. I am always more than I can stand. I am always more than I can rest. I am always more than I can type. And I am always more than I can play. And I am always more than my music. I am more than I can express. I hurt and there is no release. And I wail but there is no sound. And I dig but there is no progress. I am just these swords flying back and forth and never finding their mark. I am these wands and these darts and these actions and these imaginings but nothing tangible.

I want to hold the earth. The earth. maybe the earth is what I need more than anything right now. I grasp it. I hold it. I feel it shift in my hands. I feel it fall between my fingers. Dark loamy wet earth. It is so fragrant and it reaches some where in me that is so frantic and stills that aspect of me. It even stills my fingers now. I feel its weight. And I look up and these mountains tower so high over me and I am made small and I am brought to nothing but in a way that comforts. I am made of no regard by these beings so much grander than my self.

I raise my hands and bow my head. I am not and I am come. I am one with this earth. My rivers still. And my blood slows. And I hear the steady thud of my heart beat. I press against this rock and I listen to it hammer inside and slowly begin to hammer this rock that stands so far above me. And slowly the vibration grows and grows and grows and the mountain begins to shudder in each beat that my heart pounds. My heart has become the mallet to create the sound that fills the heavens, that fills the universe. O beat so steady. O fill me grand vibration. I am shaking these grand beasts - they have drawn me to themselves. They have let me be as powerful as they are. I stand eyes closed and just feel the tremble of each pounding. I am one with the mountain and my heart connects so deeply with earths throbbing. We pulse together and my feet no longer seem to support me. Rather I am become this rock and this mountain and I feel my face grow craggy and gray. And I stretch to fit and I shrink to hide deep in this crevice. I am no longer anything but earth itself and the pounding stills and I am so still. And now I quiet. And my mind quiets. At last, I am one with earth and I understand her grand presence. She is the mother I have sought so deeply in my yearning.

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