Sunday, June 30, 2019

The Sun

I step into this twilight space, with nothing here but my own naked being and a smooth dark floor beneath my feet. I wonder if it is a floor, or if I am floating on the wings of my breath. I breath in so slowly, and hold it, and then out it whooshes and then breathing and holding again before beginning the cycle anew. I find myself almost at ease in this place, a curiosity filling me, wanting explore what will come. And slowly, out of the dim light, a door appears, growing as it were, with ivy and fresh glossy leaves, plump vines twining and folding over the door so completely as for me to question if it were a door at all, or rather a wall of summer green. Still, I feel drawn to place my hand where a knob might be, and at my gentle touch, the door slowly swings open.

I am at once bathed in the kindest warm light, so very bright and golden that I am blinded, but I don't mind. I feel held in the intense light, my being soaking in the warmth of it all, my eyes closed against the intensity. I am enfolded completely, even behind and under my being in this wondrous light. I wonder if this might be what I would feel to pass over, to be one with the light so completely. I feel myself enveloped and conscious of nothing else but the warmth and the light upon my bare skin, soaking into the core of me. Then I feel a subtle shift, the light becoming more of a stream of light, rather than a wash. I find my eyes slowly open to take in this change. I am still in the light, but now the light is defined and I stand just on the edge of it.

The light begins to move, as if creating a path in front of me. I step, I follow. I must stay within that orb of delicious warmth. But it seems the light moves faster than I can, and I find myself jogging and then running to stay within the orb and all around me this profound inky darkness. I finally stand defeated, the light just ahead of me, and me in the cold and dark without it. A shiver runs through my body, and my head drops in defeat as I realize I cannot stay within the light. I fold my arms across my chest, clutching myself in this palpable darkness.

Then, I feel a change come over me, as if I have become ephemeral and all that I was falls from me. I notice my ghostly shape by looking at my hand for a brief moment. I can see through it to the light. My entire being has become this outline as it were, and I am floating as a specter might. I look to my left and see a womxn, her unbound hair and dress almost one as she sways and moves away from me. Did she come from me? I glance to my right and see this darkened figure, almost that of a demon, his clawed hands and his angular face intent on something ahead. I feel that he too, has come from what was once me. Both of these figures walk away from me in a grand circle. They grow farther and farther apart. I feel something in me being torn asunder and a seizing in my heart although I thought only find this empty, ghostly space within me. I am an apparition, not quite present but still, so aware and feeling within this space.

Still these two figures walk, and I feel some relief as their paths seem to begin to curve back towards each other. They walk some magic circle, some course that seems mapped by the faded, once present light. I can barely make out their shapes, and still there is movement. They are walking towards each other now and I feel this anticipation within me, this need, no desperation, that they might find each other in the dark! The white skirts of the womxn glow faintly against the darkness, and the shape of the demon is barely discernable. Then the moment they come together and some sort of tiny light ignites in the air behind them.

I startle to realize there are many more figures now, hundreds of womxn clothed in creamy white, and hundreds of darkened grotesque demons and they all walk away from me, as if pouring from me, this great circle filled almost like an ant hole, full of commotion and activity in this dark. I strain to see, at once repulsed and yet this deep desire filling in me that they might all connect in passionate embrace. I feel the connection of demon to feminine in a visceral way, in a way that creates a yearning that each of these figures will find their shadow bright match. And slowly as they round the circle and sphere around me, the sky behind all of this begins to light, as if one pixel at a time, over and over and more pixels light up until the light begins to shine again, warmer, brighter, brighter and warmer.

I feel the warmth reach me again, slowly, a path created over this orb of which I seem to be an oversoul. I feel something in me aching, burning that each figure will find their match and create more light. I eagerly anticipate each passionate embrace. Something fills me, almost this sexual energy, this tingling through my entire lower being. And as they embrace, they seem to become fewer, not necessarily disappearing but perhaps growing larger, the energy of all these tiny figures becoming one couple, one woman with golden glowing hair and dress, and one demon, with rough swarthy skin, and talons for hands. They embrace passionately, the electricity of their connection in the air in front of me and I feel once again, the sun bathe me in her light, the warmth of it all growing and growing until I am again held in delicious warmth and place. I feel it pervade my every cell and my every vein and begin to flow within me, this blood of light and river of feeling. The intensity becomes so profound that I finally lose consciousness and give up to this heady light. I am one with the light. I am no longer divided but have fused with all that was and is.

this meditation feels like all the disparate parts of myself and that I have come from a place of unity, but upon this earthly plane and reality, I am so many tiny pieces that have no place within me, places I hide, places I deem not enough or good enough, and they wander in the dark. I ache for the light, but it eludes me and still, as I connect tiny pieces back to myself, drawing one by one in this painful dance of first separation, and the uniting; then I find pieces of light, tiny bright spots in my heart and soul that become brighter and perhaps grow incrementally until there is a solid sun, a light of truth within me. This process feels to me to take many lifetimes perhaps, but the dance of integration, of slowly finding the pieces of me that are scattered in the dark is one in which I gradually gain the light.

I think of each discovery of what has been truly me over the past 13 years, and how each discovery has brought me more and more fulfillment or joy or something of understanding. There's so much more. But each tiny piece has been cause for joy. 

(Sun card from Ian Daniels, Tarot of the Vampyres)