Sunday, July 10, 2016

These Elements

I have long felt the draw of water. I have felt its power drawing me to this abyss and these unseen depths. I have felt that pull to these murky renditions of things I can only sense at. I have simply called it a fear of drowning and I did indeed gulp in water when I was very young and unable to swim. But this is more. This is a response viscerally to the power of this element. Reflections and refractions. Images and haunting swirls and colors. Hints of another realm. I feel this emotional response to be so much more now. I feel that water is my spirit in physical form. I am water and water is myself. I am full of her and she fills me. We push and pull at each other and call and hearken by turns. She is mercurial and I am moody. My emotions are stirred and tears slip down my dry and cracked cheeks. She is more than me and then I am full of her, words growing inadequate in the cup that runs over and over and spills inside of me.

And I wondered at the power earth when she remains so unmoving. And I never really understood her to be so powerful until that drive thru the mountains and along those winding roads. And then I knew as I felt so small among so many tall and standing rocks. They were power to make me feel so very minute. And I raised my eyes up and up and up. And finally to rest on those craggy tops. And I knew. I knew the power of earth with its grandness and its strength. And I have always felt strength after driving or hiking thru the mountains and now I understand why. And I cut my dirt encrusted finger on a stone, the bloody mark of red on brown and becoming brown and becoming earth. I raise my being and eventually my arms and I feel as tall as I can next to the power of earth and she somehow becomes me. I press myself against a rocky face and I am camouflaged beside this standing stone. My blood surges and stands still for one brief moment. And I am this tall rock and this craggy visage to watch all and grow wise. Strength is standing without moving.

The element of air has befuddled and emboldened me with his whipping and pulling at my hair I am at once outraged and strengthened. . I feel this anger in being unable to think. My thoughts are torn away in a strong and frustrating gust. Now a gentle breeze brings a deep smile to my face and some tiny thought of intuitive knowing. I have yielded as if to a lovers kiss and I feel a deep response in my soul, yielding and bending. And yet again, a cold chill comes over me with the push of winter's breath. And I see my lips blue and cold and my own being frozen amongst the chilled drifts created in those raucous moments of blowing and forcing. Spirals and drafts and currents take my mind on a wild ride, a mental roller coaster of sorts, and I am powerless at times to stop my spirit from arcing and bending and taking flight whether it be of a violent nature or something more floating. These things come together now for me to represent this element of air that I so often have misunderstood. I feel as tho I will harness it now to be as I need or even allow myself to be controlled to experience the truest and most organic freedom of flight.

Blazing fiery sun and soft candle flame. Roaring pot bellied stove and crackling campfire. Raging forest fire and tiny sparklers held by my little son's soft hand. Long have my spirits lifted in the face of these representations. Fire warms and fire heartens and fire sparks inside of me. Fire has always lifted my spirits. Fire is my spirit. Unlike most, I can find meaning in a cloudy day and I defy saying I need the sun more when asked. But in truth I need it as much and maybe more than those that complain about the May weeks which hold very little sunshine. My fiery nature comes alive on the days the sunlight streams and dances thru green and swirling leaves. I feel him fill my being with intensity and meaning. I watch the sun make its steady path across my kitchen floor with almost mesmerized wonder. I am drawn as a cat to the rays that fill more than just my body with warmth. I begin to glow as I fill with his being and I feel it deep in my soul and find old bits of darkness loosening their steady hold. O yellow warmth and everything glowing golden, I lift my arms to you and feel this fire deep in my soul, sparking and igniting. I am one with the golden hue.

Soft whispers, violent portendings, arching and aching and responding -These elements speak so clearly to me. I believe they always have and I remember being a child in the heart of nature and finding nothing dark at all within me. All these bits of myself drawn and sewn together in the strength and the raw power so very evident as I walk with mother earth. My feet feel the damp soil and the sharp rock. My hair catches in the breezes and shivers tremble down my spine. I watch a river racing and then running back on itself and I feel the whispers of death and life and the ability to take me whole and never return. Destruction and creation joined as one. I raise my hands to the sun and whisper his name so delicately on my lips. I take flight and my feet touch the loamy darkness. Water runs in rivulets down my spine and over my breasts creating the only dress I need. I am wise in these moments and I am connected to something so much greater than I AM..

Sunday, July 3, 2016


Those claw footed beasts reach so deep into the travailing water. There's a grand foot placed at each bend in the road. I look up and up their craggy legs and I am stunned by the strength of so much power in rippled stone and rock face. I feel this power drawing and drawing. I know why gravity pulls. I know now why the element of earth is so distinct and so present and all powerful. And I long to press my body against those stone faces and against that smooth rock wall. I long to stretch myself thin over that surface and be drawn into it and become one with it. I cannot be me but rather I would become one. I am all and I am we. Me is we turned on its head. We are meant to be we more than me is meant to be. And that craggy leg calls to me in power and authority and I am awed by its presence.

Slowly I draw my eyes away. Now this rough barked tree and now this rocky outcropping. I am so touched by the power of earth today. And then I realize all the elements blend together in one cohesive tangible and poignant moment. Sun burning fire thru the trees - ahhh the sun. I am so much more aware of him since I have drawn him into myself. I am less afraid of his power now that I feel his warmth. This warmth that makes me grow and turn and evolve and keeps me living. And I feel the earth below and around and I touch that dirt that stains my fingers. And I feel the air rush thru my hair and I feel like I can fly. I reach my arms wide and side to side. And I step so lightly and I feel like I can just push off but then I become aware of my body. Just enough earth to moor me and I curse this human form once more. I don't want to be bound by this cage and this shell and this temple. I feel my spirit arcing in defiance. One more rising and one more attempt but that is futile for the time being.

But I can pretend and so I do. I spread my arms wide and tiptoe down this narrow path. I feel the air and the earth and the sun. I feel the water of blood rushing thru my veins. My entire being is at once a river with deltas and rivulets and rushing streams and raging torrents. And I feel this water that is more my essence than any other. I am always more aware of my water than of my fire. And still my heart beats with that element of sun and shine. And I am alive - so very alive. I am all the elements and they are me. And I am at one with nature. I hear this bird chirp and it is my mind and my soul in song. And I hear this crunch of dirt and gravel and I am playing this intricate rhythmic patter. I am all and I am nothing. I am earth and I am dust but I can move and live and have being in this frail moment. I am so high. And I am so low. I am everything and i am nothing right now.

I am so many swirling words. That element of air and swords and cutting and flying. I hear them - o so many as to drown me. Is it possible to drown from air. Or can air be weighty and unwieldy enough to crush the very life of me? And I feel crushed under the power of so much that can't be released in this moment. I could scream and nothing would come out. I could chant and my feet wouldn't move and my face would be unreadable. I could hear the flow of my bloody rivers and know nothing but their rush and their torrent and their sound. And I could lay flat and blend with the earth but for these stubborn things that won't let me rest.

I am undone. And I am overcome. And I am overwhelmed in the face of more and the being of more and the chant of more and more and more and more. And there is no rest from more. I am always more than I can stand. I am always more than I can rest. I am always more than I can type. And I am always more than I can play. And I am always more than my music. I am more than I can express. I hurt and there is no release. And I wail but there is no sound. And I dig but there is no progress. I am just these swords flying back and forth and never finding their mark. I am these wands and these darts and these actions and these imaginings but nothing tangible.

I want to hold the earth. The earth. maybe the earth is what I need more than anything right now. I grasp it. I hold it. I feel it shift in my hands. I feel it fall between my fingers. Dark loamy wet earth. It is so fragrant and it reaches some where in me that is so frantic and stills that aspect of me. It even stills my fingers now. I feel its weight. And I look up and these mountains tower so high over me and I am made small and I am brought to nothing but in a way that comforts. I am made of no regard by these beings so much grander than my self.

I raise my hands and bow my head. I am not and I am come. I am one with this earth. My rivers still. And my blood slows. And I hear the steady thud of my heart beat. I press against this rock and I listen to it hammer inside and slowly begin to hammer this rock that stands so far above me. And slowly the vibration grows and grows and grows and the mountain begins to shudder in each beat that my heart pounds. My heart has become the mallet to create the sound that fills the heavens, that fills the universe. O beat so steady. O fill me grand vibration. I am shaking these grand beasts - they have drawn me to themselves. They have let me be as powerful as they are. I stand eyes closed and just feel the tremble of each pounding. I am one with the mountain and my heart connects so deeply with earths throbbing. We pulse together and my feet no longer seem to support me. Rather I am become this rock and this mountain and I feel my face grow craggy and gray. And I stretch to fit and I shrink to hide deep in this crevice. I am no longer anything but earth itself and the pounding stills and I am so still. And now I quiet. And my mind quiets. At last, I am one with earth and I understand her grand presence. She is the mother I have sought so deeply in my yearning.