I am walking in memory of the sun. It has drifted towards the western horizon and I have watched its decent with a feeling of premonition. I know this setting hasn't been as it always is. There is something weighty about this slowly falling darkness. And I wander among the trees that have turned into darkened giants with so many arms and legs and whispers amongst themselves.
As I keep walking, I glance to my right and notice a dark and door-less cave. And I see something shifting beyond. I stand here in the preternatural twilight frozen in a moment of indecision. And then in one moment of quick impulse, I duck into the dark cavern. And immediately I am struck by this sensuous overwhelming. There is music but I didn't hear it before. This music has no discernible harmony; only this deep monotonous beat and slowly changing chords. Pulsing and pulsing and I am drawn farther in. I feel my heart quicken in the feelings that overcome me. They are feelings of euphoria and finding all that I need and my mind begins to simply absorb and not create any of its own unique thoughts. I am starting to move with this pulse and this beat.
I feel my heart hammering and I am aroused and curious. I notice others with me now and everyone is moving to this deep and earthly beat. This cave is now so far beneath the earth and I am commanded by it and I begin to feel light and heady. It is a lovely feeling and I realize I am drinking and I feel this wash over me. I feel so giddy and light and overcome by everything sensual. I am simply responding to my environment in movement and emotion. And I am so happy. And I realize their are lights. Mostly spotlights of sorts. I can see their source but they don't seem to reach me except for faint blue and red glows. Everyone is caught in this faint light and everyone around me seems to be disembodied. I see a head here or an arm here. There a leg or a shoe. But nothing full or completely defined. It adds to this feeling of being in a place of dreams coming true. I am confident and I am able and I am completely unrestrained. I am dancing and I am grooving and I moving harder and harder against this raucous beat and still I tread deeper into this cave. I swirl the wine in my glass laughing at myself and the lightness. I am free and I am not anxious. Deeper into this cup I swim. I am only flesh and beat and blood and bumping along. And I feel my feet less and less and my body moves of it's own accord. This is freedom and I am free and I am uplifted.
At once I feel this chill wind and look up to see something emerging in the darkness. There is a pedestal being pushed by some unseen force. I raise my eyes to see what is atop the pedestal. My eyes are heavy and languid. It is a golden and red calf. I realize in a half delirious state that he is alive and yet he is so very much a statue. I am reminded of those painted statues in Europe - they are flesh and blood but painted to be as tho they are not. And tiny movements give away the pulsing force within. And I realize this bronze creature is huge. he is massive and he fills the entire vision I have. His calf legs and torso are looming so far above on this pedestal somehow being propelled into the center of this cave. We all scramble to make room and to adjust because none of us can take our eyes off this compelling image. I notice the calf's eyes and they are dark and drawing and I find I can NOT wrest my eyes from the unbreakable gaze. I am drawn into their depths as I take another deep sip of my drink. My cup has grown so heavy and the wine so thick and burning.
I find things brighter now - a bright blue-white spot light rests on him and illuminates this shocking being. He seems more lifelike than a minute ago and truly it seems his coppery shell is slipping away as he is becoming this flesh with coarse hair and rippled swarthy skin. He is ugly and coarse and yet he seems so base and sexual and I long to touch what he might feel like. I find my fingers reaching towards him for he is closer now. He is slowly turning and I ache to see his deep and fluid eyes . He is like a man with goat like features and his face is everything strong and masculine and powerful and raw. It is almost as if his face does not have enough skin and I see the blood pulsing in his cheeks and his temples. But the thin skin that does cover his angular face is rough and full of thorny whiskers. Horns of shimmering white and wet bone curl out of his head and he is puffing and blowing this air across all of us here in this pit. He is breathing hard and grunting in something that we all seem to respond to.
I feel even lighter and even more euphoric and I ache to get closer even tho I am repulsed in the same moment. He is deeply sexual and deeply animal. He is carnal and he is strong. He is mighty and sinewy. I need what he has and I feel that I will feel more alive then ever if I can just get closer and maybe even touch his rough and hairy skin, if I can feel this pulsing I can see. And now he jumps down in one swoop, having half the form of a unkempt and powerful man and half the form of this rough and uncouth goat and he whoops and yells into the crowd and we yell back. I dance harder and the music escalates and I feel myself throwing back the wine into my parched throat. I feel its burn all the way to my stomach and I swallow satisfied and rich. And I am dancing and feeling and not thinking at all. And my body bumps against others and I find these these others to be groping and handling me as well. And I reach out and touch skin and rough cloth and feel and realize it is another dancer and we cling each to the other caught in a half frenzied sexual dance. Moving moving and turning and clawing. And we reach for each other and push against each other. I feel his hardness pressed against me thru thin fabric and I feel his desire and it stinks and I feel overcome. And I begin to feel this sickness as it spreads first from my naval and then up thru my throat and mouth and I feel cold and clammy. I begin to shake a little and I push away and turn and I push thru the crowd.
I am so sick and nauseous. I can feel the beat and now it hammers at me in such intensity and I am blinded and my head pounds in an unnatural and overwhelming pain. Slick sweat spreads itself over me. The entrance!! Where is the god forsaken entrance?? The exit. I can't think, and in one moment I am against the cavern walls that are damp and slimy and I feel along them with shaking fingers and suddenly I am sick all over the floor and myself and I reek of vomit and pain and fear. And my sweat pours over me in cold wash of anxiety. I keep feeling along and finally notice a breath of air different than before. It is not the goat's any more. It is soft and I yearn toward it and realize the music has faded a bit. And I make one last fateful dash to find myself back under the stars. Weak and sunken, I fall to the ground and reach for soft grass and tender dirt. I realize I have met the devil and he is so much longing and gratification. But I am unfulfilled and filthy after being in his presence and desiring after him. He has left me cold and unfulfilled after that one euphoric moment of satisfaction. I try to remember if I was allowed to touch him because somehow I feel his rough hairs and his burning skin. He was hot to the touch. He was fiery and he has burned these fingers. I look to see the blisters forming on my fingers and palms and blood seeping thru where the blisters have burst. I feel tears form in my eyes and I shake my head in sorrow at my rash decisions. Somehow I have danced with the devil and he has left these marks.
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These images may not be the devil to everyone. As I have thought back to those fateful moments in the cave, I realize the devil I must fight everyday. I am enlightened to the things that hold me in bondage. This drink, these fanatical religious pasts, and these inward urges that turn me on my own self. These quick impulses, these in the moment decisions that bind me in ways I later regret. I encourage you to label your own devils, the things that keep you stuck and unaware of your own internal guidance. For me, these are mine.
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