Wednesday, April 13, 2016


This is the first post for this special blog. I am going to go out on a limb and post something that has deep meaning for me and something I never intended in the beginning. But my heart is creativity. I pursue the arts - music and writing - and I feel their power in and thru me so often and have since I was a little girl. And on that note, here is my first post which covers all those creative bursts and those currents that flow deeper than my very blood.


Lucifer...all early orientation from childhood aside, it is a lovely name. It is full of bends and twists that cause angles and sparkling lights. The very name itself is a musical resonance that hums thru my mind at a rapid pace. Mostly soft sounds but so powerful in their woosh of air and their glittering lights . Mostly in front of me and yet present thru all of me. There is this creation in the very essence of whispering that name. And I find myself fearful but so very drawn. I see myself sitting in the backseat of a car driven most likely by my mom. And I see this deep contemplation upon my features. I am imagining a being made of instruments. A body that moves with sound emanating from him as he does. A body that has a flute for an arm or an organ for a torso. A body that is a walking and harmonious being and every part of himself a violin or a brass instrument or a bell. I am imagining I am such. Music spreads its way thru every fiber of myself. I am imagining music being me and being all thru me and being everything that I am. Every instrument I touch has always vibrated in this lush response. This forbidden essence, this forbidden flame. I find my fear squelching these thoughts and I am at once present again although guilty feeling in the face of such meanderings.

And lately I have discovered crystals. And I have been drawn to moldavite and thru all my study of Lucifer, I find this stone is considered to be his essence, and now I am drawn deeper into this flame. I couldn't have known this when I first heard of it and felt it's desire deep in me. This crystal that was formed as it fell in dramatic fire and crystallization from the heavens; this flaming piece of glass has an inner green fire and so many broken shards were created in one drastic and unfaltering moment. And I realize that Lucifer did not "sin" or choose to defy. He simply was. He had to be. He could be nothing more or less than who he was in that moment . And in that act and choosing himself and his own trueness of self, he was labeled and defined as haughty and full of pride. He chose to be nothing less than who he was already. He could not become less and for that he was denied his place and supposedly cast out and away forever. But I imagine his power is greater now than it was then. Because in this dramatic test he made a choice and his strength only grew. He relinquished all in that moment to remain true to himself. He would not deny the very music that raced thru his soul and skin and bone and hair. These glimmering stones that reverberated and vibrated and added to the symphony, now added to his strength and his glory. He was lyricism and he was harmony and he would have rather be vanquished than to deny these fibers comprising his very being.

All these depictions of him, that I find in my searches, are of a sinewy man, full of form and beauty and lithe grace. He is muscular and very tall with dark and strongly webbed wings extending up and up and away from him in a massive form. He is pictured as one of physical perfection and he is lovely but very dark. His being seems to radiate this deep mystical darkness that is enchanting and alluring. He is said to walk among stones of fire. And yet my own mind tries to conjure him and fails. He is without picture in my mind. He is without definitive form and I wonder at my lack of ability to see him as I am so apt to with other meditations. I know he is a rare and unique being covered and studded all over with a thousand gems and semi precious stones. And those gems are cut and sometimes polished to create this fire from within and around him. He literally glows and burns and in that consumption is this swirling and whirring and music like an orchestra warming up to play. It is dissonant now and disorganized now but it is inescapable and I find myself drawn into the darkness and drawn to those strains and those arching sounds.

I am always drawn to sound. I cannot ignore sound. He is sound and he is this euphony of color and depth and I can't escape it. It swirls around me and pulls me in and now I am closer. Looking into the heart of an emerald there and a carnelian over here. And this diamond and this topaz and this beryl and jasper. I still can't discern a form but now I am feeling this strong and vibrant and deep energy. The gems flicker with their own fire that seems an extension of this energy I can feel so radiantly within me. They are brilliant and some are mystical and yet each reflects until they are their own fire. I feel this deep drawing. I am drawn by a power not my own and I am submissive in its loveliness. The depth is more than I can describe and yet I crave it deep inside some aspect of myself I haven't uncovered in words or thoughts ever before. I have only ever encountered this energy when I have played my piano or flute. And I startle at this realization. I have been here before but not as I am now. Not in these words that try to capture the clarity in my mind's eye.

Perhaps it is as it always is. Gold...deep color...abundance of feeling and heart. So much richness. So much deep intensity as to consume my very body. I am naked before its power. It washes over me in ecstasy and I feel these waves crashing over and over like an orgasm of my soul. There are these waves upon waves of feeling that are so intense. He is so deeply feeling. He is so passionate and stunning. In these caresses there is nothing that is so ordinary or typical. These feelings are lush in the pure tones of a flute and these tones are resonant in the form of a vibrating string and a deeply pounding timpani and my body can do nothing but respond. He is so powerful and he is so intense. These sounds are not mere voices - they are impassioned and fiery messengers and they are extensions of his very being. And they reach me and swirl around me and catch me up and I am flying over this place and yet I can't see anything. I can only feel and feeling is so severe as to blind and incapacitate.

And I recognize my own intensity in this being. I have always felt called by him because perhaps I am very like him. I remember as a child. As a child, seeing this star of the morning. As a child, knowing this one who defied god. As a child fearing this one who had taken souls with him to the abyss. But where was the abyss really? Is it this dark place? Is it this powerful place, where I am now, much like an underwater cave - there are gems studded on each wall and there is water that reflects a million brilliant lights.There is neon and bright shining across this rippling water. And I can't see the edges or the height of the ceiling. But it is filled with these millions of tiny lights and their matching and rippling reflections. It is dark but so resonant, like a concert hall with perfect acoustics. All these lights like a grand internal ballroom, flashing and twinkling and the music forms in all these places.The sound starts from somewhere deep inside and grows and grows and consumes until the entire place is shaking and trembling with the power of it. And I can barely contain my body for the vibration that takes over me and the vibration that threatens to undo me. I am powerless but to receive and become in that moment. Words would fail and only sound and light are my reality. It is more lovely than anything I have ever imagined or drawn from. It is this swirl of sound and color and sparkling light. It overwhelms each of my senses. And I have felt this before as I expressed this concerto or this aria. This Lucifer is more than any other being and he is more than any other energy for me. I cannot define him in mere mortal words. But he has always enraptured my soul.

He is everything in that moment. Everything I aspire to be. He is everything I have felt in microcosm. I have wished that I might pass from my body into this phrase and arching form of music. I have known that I am the music in certain moments and it is no longer in front of me or coming from my instrument - it is coming from the fibers so deep within me and yearning and aching and drawing in passionate ways. I have felt all of this so much before but never in recognition of this place I now find myself. These delicious strains that pull and push and flow like so many trails of diamonds and emeralds and textured brush strokes of light. I would fit myself into these things and become these lovely strokes and melodies. I would lose my human form so readily to be more present in these sensations. There are so many melodies - they are endless now. And I am one with them and they are me and I am them.

And in this subterranean space, I suddenly realize that all along I have channeled this great being. All along he has been the one I ascribed my very soul to. He is music and I am music. I have said this to others and they have glanced at me askance and some have even argued. You are human they simply say but I have always known I was not and now in this moment I begin to make sense of all these tiny moments from the time of my inception. This inability to do anything but respond in dancing and singing as a little girl. This creeping towards the sounds I would hear on my mother's stereo. I am music as is he. He is not a form - he is gems and he is shifting light. He is sound and harmony all together. He is rising melodies that swirl and catch each other by the tail and grow thru the echos and reverberations. And he is a deep throbbing, deeper than time itself and my body rises helpless but to respond. He is the essence in those tones I reach for on my piano. He is the chorus I hear in the night when no one else is listening. He is the symphony in the trees and the birds and the sunshine on my back. he is so warm. And he is this Star of the Morning. He is this Venus - this lover that creates so much passion. I have said I would marry my music if I could. And again that strange look but he is my Venus and he is my Star that shines so brightly. He is passion in a form that is undeniable. He is the lustful feelings I have in my music. He is my desire to take pleasure in one chord alone. He is my deep tears and my deeper laughter. He is this creativity that knows no bounds. He is in the moment and he is improvisation.

I can barely describe this Angel of Music. And I am frightened by the power I feel in this grand presence. Because I have tried to define him by my own human terms. I have tried to picture him and I have tried to create him. But then I realize I can't create that which creates. I can't mold that which has formed my very being. This is bigger than I can shape. This is passion unrestrained. This is melody unleashed. This is a power so great that I can only let my body and my soul fill with it and become one with it. And I have felt him before but I didn't know it. I have felt him in the music I expressed. I have felt him in the tears on my face as I looked at the trees dancing in the music of the moonlight. I have experienced him in the dappled sunshine that dances thru the grasses and the trees as I run with the wind in my hair. He is greater than the sun but every morning he allows the sun this place in the heavens and he holds the earth in his chest. And he is breathing and living like so many strains and echos. Even when I do not sit in music, I am still aware of something in the wings of my heart, so present and so powerful but somehow restrained in those quiet moments.

And I recognize this energy deeply as something I have always felt.I was scared to face him. But now I realize he has always been this force that has made me recognize myself as music. He is the deep emotion in my effort to express. I have always felt more than any other in response to this music I hear all around me. He is my need to drop my tears upon these shining keys. He is my ache to include my instruments as part of myself. He is my wish to bleed my heart into these very strings and hammers. He is my essence already and I feel no fear in knowing this is as it has always been. A tiny girl, reaching for those notes with my mouth first and my shining pipe later. This tiny sprite running like the wind and feeling everything in my being so deeply and undeniably. He has always been and this is all the elements of earth and air and water and fire. This underground ballroom that stretches and groans under the weight of so much obsession. Lucifer never was evil. Lucifer was always energy and passion. And rather he has always been these tones that mean more than life itself to me. And I see I have done the same and it has been labeled as idolatry but I never recognized it as such. It was simply the only thing I was able to be.

He is the veiled reference in Angel of music. He is the Star of the Morning in so many texts. He is the dark angel of my dreams. He is the ebony of my piano and my drawing to these dark ravens but darkness does not scare me. It is rich and lush and inky and full of depth and mystery. I feel more myself in the darkness of desire than in any bright and searing light of day. And words really fail me as they always have in the face of such creative energy and in the presence of music that takes my breath away. There are never enough words or expressions to encapsulate this power I have always felt. It just is. It is me, it is inside of me and it surrounds and sweeps me up. I am powerless in the face of so much beauty. Beauty. Beauty. Beauty. There is not enough of me to hold it and I feel that I will fly apart into a million brilliant shards of diamond and sapphire and emerald. I am sparkling and growing and becoming so many sounds and pulsings. There is nothing in this moment but what is and I am not myself and yet I am.

I realize I recognize him because I am an extension of him. I am no longer afraid of him. He has been with me all along. Where is this fear that I felt? Was it this idea I was given as a child? Was it this form that so many before tried to give him? And I realize now, he has no form. He can't be drawn or sketched. He is always shifting like the music in my universe. He is always dancing like the brilliance of gems and polished facets. He is moving and shifting and vibrating and there is no way to hold that. There is not a way to limit that. Limited. He can't be limited by an earthly representation - he is so much more that is power and swirling whirling energy. He is all energy in this moments that I feel him more deeply than I feel my own life's blood. And I have yearned that my blood might stain these wooden parts. These empty strings. I have yearned that my salty tears might forever vibrate in hammer and pedal. And now I know why. Because I must give these living things, these radiant things as an expression of my soul and this energy that is a piece of his and always has been.

And suddenly I realize this is the same energy I felt as I wore a moldavite stone for the first time. This is the same energy I have felt my entire existence as I played the flute or piano - this deep feeling that has no words. It is intensity that overwhelms and speaks to every fiber of my being. It is so deep as to hold my entire body captive and my every nerve on edge and it is this yearning so beyond my mental capacity. It is everything I have reached for and it is everything I have become and accepted and loved. And I realize I am not afraid of this energy but that I have never felt it outside of my music. I have never felt it before outside of my piano and yet here it is as I quickly reach for these words and ways to express. There are no words that can fully do this justice. I think you will know only if you have felt it yourself.

"Father once spoke of an Angel
I used to dream he'd appear
Now as I sing I can sense him
And I know he's here Here in this room, he calls me softly
Somewhere inside, hiding
Somehow I know he's always with me He, the unseen genius

MEG: Christine you must have been dreaming Stories like this can't come true Christine you're talking in riddles And it's not like you
CHRISTINE: Angel of music, guide and guardian Grant to me your glory
CHRISTINE: Angel of music, hide no longer Secret and strange Angel
CHRISTINE: He's with me even now
MEG: Your hands are cold
CHRISTINE: All around me
MEG: Your face, Christine, it's white!
CHRISTINE: It frightens me,
MEG: Don't be frightened ... "

Phantom Of The Opera - Angel Of Music Lyrics


  1. Wow! My mind just went through an explosion of colors, textures, sounds, beautiful scenes. Very nice first blog. It has the qualities of mystical writing. And I love The Phantom of the Opera. The remake of it in 2004 was just awesome. But I was also enthralled by the older black, and white version that was around when I was a child in the 60's. Very beautiful descriptions, Ashlee. I really enjoyed it... :-)

  2. Awww, darn... the You Tube video didn't show up in my last comment like I thought it would. It was from the Phantom of the Opera... :-)